Are you there....

I still get my hopes up every time, hoping that, just this once, you'll care. But you don't. You never do. And it crushes me every time.

What I really meant to say

Why is it so hard for you to remember me? Why don't you want to spend time with me? You're supposed to be my friend. You're the best friend I have, but I can't tell you that because it wouldn't mean a thing to you. I guess it doesn't say much for me either that you don't even want to go to a football game with me. I'm not sure who I was kidding when I thought you living in an apartment wasn't going to change anything.

It hurts when you won't have lunch with me. I feel left out when you go with everyone else to football games and pep rallys, when you know I go alone. I've become the master at hiding my tears when yet again you don't have time to remember to call me like you promised, but can spend time with other people.

I wish I could open my mouth and tell you this. I wish you could see what I see when I look in the mirror....defeated, confused, lonely.

As She Is

She walks in circles through her life
Never knowing how or why
This beaten path held her name
Her actions and words
Forever sincere
Though they lie meaningless
To those meant to hear
She opens her mouth to scream
But only a sob absorbs in the walls
Her joy and pain equally contained
Hidden away among the pages
The only acknowledger of truth
She feels as if her heart
As full as it is; is useless
Failed at every attempt
To make them see
She would do anything
Anything at all to ensure their happiness
After all these years they still don't need her
Overstepped by others far superior
She walks in circles through her life
Never knowing how or why
this beaten path held her name
The sole thing she ever wanted
Was for them to know how she feels
Was for them to want her as she is

Limited

Time passes
People change
Some even stay the same
As their world moves on
Scraps of memories
Are all that's left
She seems to remember
All others forget
Though it's all she has
The only thing she can offer
Since she's far misplaced from everything
Hoping and praying
Wishing then dreaming
Have only carried her so far
Sadly now she knows their limits
Stretched them as far as they would go

Apprehension

She feels selfish in her state of worry
Consumed by the perceived powerlessness
She is not the one having to face it all
Not the one with relentless strength
Or unfeigned bravery
Qualities merely talked about in reverent tones
She finally takes the time to count
Every word she’s left unsaid
Wondering if time is finally running out
After moving so slowly all these years

Where does that leave her
But in constant confliction
Does she swallow the feeling that always occurs
When these thoughts concealed her mind
Going forth with her painstakingly careful plan
Does she keep it all at bay
Desperate to avoid verbal communication
Or anything that might give herself away
Knowing that simply ends in awkward silence
Not wanting to cause her any more pain

She feels selfish in her state of worry
Consumed by the perceived powerlessness
All of this for 3 small words
She wants so desperately to speak
She wants her so desperately to finally hear
Naively believing they will heal her
Childishly wishing she could take her hand
For everything to be as it should
So she slowly exhales a shaky breath
As those words fall from her lips

My Summer

Soft waves
Break into the worn stone wall
Sun kissed skin
Emerges from the rocky depths
Bare feet
Trample from the grass onto the dock
As fireworks
Echo from the hills to light the sky

Pages crinkle
As she flips through a People magazine
Gravel scatters
As they run along the vacant streets
Children’s laughter
Saunters through all open windows
Sweet smells mixing
As she stands behind the stove

People come and go
As long as it is it’s never long enough
Nuances discovered
Simple things at times taken for granted
A familiar scene
Yet it always seems to be evolving
Fresh memories
Gloss over the ones that remained

Soft waves
Break into the worn stone wall
Sun-kissed skin
Emerges from the rocky depths
Bare feet
Trample from the grass onto the dock
As the sun
Dips below the clouds

Lounge chairs
Positioned strategically outside
Camera in hand
Anticipating the next Kodak moment
Tools resonating
While he works thoroughly in the garage
Imaginative games
Interspersed with wild stories

People seem to come and go
Just when I want them to stay
So these instances can linger
Residing just a little longer within time
Because all this
Is what I wait year after year for
This is my summer
This is me

If you'll trust me, love me, let me, maybe....

Don't you hate situations that you know will never change but you desperately want and need them to?

I will always be stuck in the middle....invisible to some but consumed by others.

I am just a blank sheet of paper

I am the embodiment of disappointment. What a feeling.

Just once, I want to find someone who values my happiness as much as I value theirs. Because sometimes I feel like I'm just there for no other reason than to take up space.

Just a thought

Maybe one day
Along the way
You'll remember me
On this island
Smiling at you
How I used to
Maybe one day
You'll remember

And it won't be sad
To think of what we had
All unhappy ends
Can be behind us then
Maybe one day
Along the way
You'll think of me
And you'll be smiling

Maybe one day
Maybe one day
Maybe one day
You'll remember

--Patty Griffin

You promised the truth and you told lies

I hate never being able to say what I really need to say to people. And I hate when the wrong people ask me to tell what's wrong when it has nothing to do with them and it's awkward. Especially when they hardly know me.

I just want to hang out. I ask to watch a movie. They kind of give me an answer, but then end up hanging out with other people. Other people ask them to do stuff and they do it right away, and I have to ask time and time again just to go downtown to get lunch. Which I know isn't going to happen after all.

I don't ask for much, but when I do it's not anything extravagant and certainly no more than other people. But somehow coming from me it's too much.

I should be studying right now but I can't even concentrate enough. This sucks. I need the last 3 days of my semester to get better :-/

I could see all around me, everywhere

It was gorgeous here today. A little too windy for my taste, though. Megg and I attempted to go outside and lay out a bit and read etc but it was so freaking windy that it felt so much colder than it was.

But it's days like these that I wish would last. Days where I just laugh and laugh and smile for no reason. It feels like I've barely had any of those in a very long time. I miss them desperately. When I do have these kind of days I just feel so, I don't even know how to describe it. I guess I just feel safe. Because in that moment it's like I don't have any other responsibilities or issues. In those moment I have a friend and a purpose and it's just all good. And I don't mean that in the 'oh 'sall good' type of way. I mean it in everything that happens is truly good; laughter, real conversation, fun. If I could just string together days like these....things might actually be ok.

But I only have a few days left in the semester and although I am looking forward to a summer full of music and sleep and no roommate, I can't help but be nervous about what next year will bring. Yes my one friend will finally be my roommate but my one friend is graduating. My other 2 are going to be in their own apartment on the other side of town/campus. Right now they're 2 doors down the hall. I was in there watching the Bachelor because my roommate is disgusting. And even though I'm sitting in my room while my roommate is still being disgusting, I could go back down the hall to their room if I needed to. What about next year? Will I really see them half as much as we talk about? Will we still go to dinner sometimes, watch movies together, laugh together, talk about anything and everything? I don't want to have to start over like I tried to start over this year. It was a nightmare.

This has been one of the hardest and worst (school) years of my life. Those special days have been too few and far between. I've cried too much and (really) smiled not nearly enough. I've hated myself and felt completely lost.

For right now, though, I'll remember today, hoping that before this semester is over there will be at least one more day like today spent being silly 19 year old college girls.

Someday

We used to talk for hours
Now it's not even one minute
You used to tell me I'm special
I used to believe it
You used to cry with me
You used to make me laugh
But that all went out the window
When you took off down your own path
If I could hold onto one last thing
It woudl be the way you smiled
I wish I could remember what that looked like
But it's been awhile
I miss those eyes that would light up
I miss the friend who would hold my hand
I have to go this life alone
I have to take a stand
The ones you love are always the farthest
And the farthest seems farther away
I will always love you no matter what
Until I find you again someday

Anyway

I can feel you walk through me
Like I was never even there
I must be a ghost
Becuase you're so unaware
Of my tears that trail behind you
I'm trying to hold on
Calling out your name
But you push me away
Suddenly you're deaf
Trying to block out what was left
Painted freshly in your memory
It hurts, can't you see?
Or should I slit my heart
So you can watch it bleed?
It's already cracked
Almost shattered
Not like you'd know
I guess I never mattered anyway