Sometimes I don't have the energy to prove everybody wrong

So yesterday was not one of my better Christmases. It started out pretty good and I had fun at my aunt and uncle's house with my 2 cousins. But I was sitting at their kitchen table trying to eat dessert and I looked down at my hands, and they were blue. Like dark blue. Thinking about it still freaks me out. Completely confused, my mom told me to go run my hands under hot water in the bathroom. A minute into that I felt dizzy, my ears started ringing and it was hard to hear, and I almost passed out.

Needless to say, I made my first trip to the hospital last night. 4 hours later, they told me I had some long name problem with my blood because I ingested too many nitrates somehow. The nitrates attached to my red blood cells, keeping the oxygen from being able to do that. Apparently this is extremely rare and the doctor said she'd only seen 1 other person with the same problem in 18 years. I was really scared the whole time I was there, and am glad it wasn't anything more serious. My hands are almost back to their normal color, though I still feel drained/exhausted. My one wrist is bruised too from where they stuck this really long needle in near my pulse...except the nurse couldn't find whatever it is she needed and spent like 5 minutes moving the needle around INSIDE my skin and I could feel it sticking in my vein and it hurt so bad. I've ever had a problem with needles/blood work when they do it normally in the crook of your arm. But I was in tears while the nurse was doing that, as hard as I tried not to be.

Now I have to fit in more doctor's appointments this coming week along with all the other doctor's appointments I already have, and all the studying I have to do. The anxiety is starting to creep back up and I'm beginning to dread the start of the semester again. I'm so afraid I'm going to forget to do something in terms of submitting all the paperwork etc I need to be able to graduate.I really hope I make it through until April 23rdish when I'm done teaching.

The girl behind the curtain hides so you can't see her hurting

I got the weight lecture once again from my mother. It's just a battle I'm never going to win. I lose weight, and that triggers her obsession over my weight, suddenly so proud of me and fawning in my smaller size and constantly pushing for more. I gain some of that weight back and it pushes the other half of her obsession for me to lose weight in the first place.

All of this? Because of some deficiency or another within myself melded together in my DNA in my conception.

My mother told me if I was smart enough to be on the Dean's List every semester and get a 4.0 this semester, I was smart enough to figure out how to lose weight.

Oh mother, if only you knew. You know why I lost all that weight last year before this past summer? It's because I basically stopped eating. I'm never hungry anymore, but would force myself to eat one "meal" a day. It's not hard to do when you live alone in an apartment building, go to class, or in this semester's case, teaching, and don't have any friends to spend time with.

No one knows about that. No one knows about the crippling fear in my heart over the fact that I may never be able to have children. I honestly don't know definitely or not and I'm absolutely terrified to find out. Not that it would be an "issue" anyway if I never have a boyfriend to become a husband.

I wish someone cared about my feelings and not just viewed them as casual, irrational thoughts.