Anybody's guess where I'd land

I feel incredibly lost right now. I know in life there's typically more questions than answers anyway, but it'd be nice to have even one answer for the thoughts and questions that constantly seem to be rolling around in my head lately.

I wish I was someone my friends were proud of; my family was proud of. I wish there was something special about me that they all could be proud of.

My mom told me today that I drive her crazy. To be fair, I told her that she has been driving me crazy. I can only take so much of her talking to me as if I'm 12 and under. Or point blank telling me how things that are important to me don't matter.

I could really use a hug.

I'd give anything for another endless summer

My whole life, I've felt like I don't really fit in. Elementary school through high school I bounced around between different groups of "friends". Played soccer, basketball, softball, threw shot put for a year, did band, chorus, youth group at church. I did all these activities surrounded with people, but I always felt like I was just there; like it didn't really matter one way or another to anyone. I've never had that one person I can turn to no matter what. I've always wondered what it would be like to have someone to just talk to about anything and everything. Someone to go places with. Someone who would know when I was having a bad day or a good day and care about both equally.

And then this summer happened.

I spent an incredible 3 weeks in North Carolina and Nashville with Holly, where we laughed, traveled, sang, shopped, and formed bonds with Sarah, Jedd, Emily and Little Big Town, as well as continuing to form bonds with each other. I finally got to see Mandie again and bring her along for part of the adventure.

I'll never forget being with them. For the first time, I felt wanted. Comfortable. Free. Loved. Happy. Even in the midst of all the sickness and uncertainty and fighting and loneliness that has happened since finishing school in April. For the first time I felt like I was important to someone not because of something I could give them, or do for them. But just because of who I am.

I just need to hold on to this feeling especially when all I can do is sit in my room and cry after my mother tells me that nothing that matters to me is important, I'm not focused enough on my life and things that actually matter and how she doesn't want to hear me complain anymore because she can't take it, and then she acts like she never said any of that/it never happened.

I don't know what I'd do without Holly. (Or Mandie, even Rob) Or without Sarah's encouragement and essentially, love, that has come unexpectedly at just the right moments.

You don't have to be struck to leave a mark

I wonder if there will ever be a day that my mother doesn't tear me apart. Or if there will ever be a day where she stops treating me like I'm 12. Her favorite things to do are use the words lazy, selfish, heartless, ugly and ungrateful to describe me. Her other favorite thing to do is tell me she doesn't know why she bothers with me anymore.

How many more times can she break me? Yell at me that I'm never honest with her and then when I honestly tell her how she makes me feel, yell at me some more to tell me how I exaggerate and twist her words.

Sometimes I can't help but think about how I wasn't supposed to be here. How my mom was supposed to be too old to have kids. But here I am. Why? I wish I knew.

In the words of Sarah, I guess I'm still learning "the art of tunnel vision" and "cutting those feelings off at the knees".

If a girl like me can do it, sister, I believe anybody can

First of all, BUXTON HUGHES ARE THE MOST INCREDIBLE PEOPLE ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH. There, I said it. haha They played a free show at the Wolf Den in the Mohegan Sun Casino in Uncasville, CT the other night. I'd never been to this casino before, so I wasn't quite sure what to expect. When we got there, I was in awe. This was probably the most beautiful casino I'd ever seen. The sculptures and the art and the decor and everything was just gorgeous! And SO cool. There were a ton of restaurants and neat shops and I'd definitely love to go back some time to be able to see it all, since I spent a majority of the day standing in line for the show since the seating was first come first serve :) The area for the show was actually really neat. It was this open mini amphitheater in the center of the casino. It had like an outer ring when you first walked into it and then a "pit" where you walked 2 steps down and there were more tables and some circular booths on the side. The stage came out of this like mountain that served as the backdrop/back wall of it, and the sides were open so people all over the casino could see in/stand and watch too.

Anyway, nothing really exciting happened until 5pm. I was talking to my dad at the time, telling him that I thought they'd be letting us in soon and if he and my mom didn't come back in time they wouldn't let us all in together. As I finish explaining that to him, I turn around and suddenly there's a small group of people walking by right next to where we're all standing in line. It was Sarah, their manager Betsy and Jedd! Sarah was about to walk in to the little amphitheater and I called her name but she didn't hear me. Then I looked to my left and Jedd was right next to me! I said his name and he turned towards me, and his eyes lit up. He said, "Heyyy girl! How are you?" and came over to give me a big hug. Then he walked into the little amphitheater too and they did sound check. During sound check, they played 2 new songs and I was pretty excited about that. They also did Endless Summer too.

As soon as their sound check was done, and they walked, literally, into the mountain part that was the tiny backstage area, they started letting people inside. I really liked the way they did it because you went up to the woman with the seating chart, and they seated one party at a time like you were at a restaurant. I was about 10th or so in line, and when we got up to her, she asked, "Would you like front row?" haha Uh, yes please! So another lady escorted us down to a table that was right against the stage and under Jedd's microphone! The table had 3 chairs on each side and I sat in the one chair closest to the stage. The stage was set up pretty high so my neck's still feeling it today, but it was totally worth it.

They started the show with Sweet On You, and I was definitely jamming/singing along in my seat haha Towards the end of the song Sarah comes over to sing with Jedd and all the sudden she looks down. I held up the new FB friends sign I made them a little bit and Sarah got a big smile on her face and pointed at me. It was adorable to see her expression change when she saw it was me. It made me feel so glad that I was able to be there.

Then they played That Kind of Day and Woman Like That, which were SO MUCH FUN! Sarah was definitely rocking the harmonica on those. Woman Like That especially sounded great with Jedd and the full band behind them. Seeing them do that one reminded me of Allison, Hannah and Becky when Sarah did that at the ABC tent last year at CMA Fest when we were jamming. :)

Next they did American Daughters, which has recently become one of my favorites of theirs. I used to not like it as much for some reason; maybe I just didn't really appreciate what it all meant? Either way, I've been listening to that song a lot this summer, and the first verse especially, really gets me/makes me feel empowered in a way. When the song started, Sarah was standing next to Jedd and she was singing the first verse. All the sudden, when she got to the lines "If a girl like me can do it sister, I believe anybody can," she looked right at me, pointed and sang those lines to me. In that moment, I felt like I did at the Throwdown tour; like she was really telling me that, like she believed in me.

They also played Full Grown Woman, which is a fairly old school Sarah song, and I was pretty excited about that. Jedd's harmonies on it really added to the song and it was so awesome! I think it was at this point that Sarah started talking about forming Buxton Hughes, and I held up the FB "WE NEED FRIENDS" sign kind of as a part II to the one Holly, Mandie and I made for Throwdown haha Jedd saw it and smiled and I handed it to him and he held it up. He said, "Yes, you should check us out on...well, someone else has said it better than I could." He and Sarah read the sign and were cracking up and Sarah told everyone to "Like" them on Facebook haha I thought Jedd was going to give the sign back and I told him to keep it, but he said, "Nope, I'm going to set it right here," and he stood it up in front of a monitor, where it stayed for the rest of the show haha I love seeing them sing Big Blue Sky, especially when Jedd comes in on "Let's start making plans..."

Then they did Endless Summer, which is probably one of my favorite Buxton Hughes songs. The first time I saw them sing that was in Trenton in April, and the 'full band' version is AWESOME. Jedd sings the second verse now, and it's just full of energy! Sarah busted out the tambourine for it and they were having a blast.

Next they did one of the new songs, called Learning to Love Again. OH MY GOSH. This song is BEAUTIFUL. Each verse just builds on the next and by the end of the song you just feel so invested in it and in the story and it just grabs you. Sarah's voice is emotional on it, if that makes sense. Everyone needs to check out the song in the video below.

Then it was time for Outside My Window! Sarah introduced the song by saying, "Well now is normally the time where we invite any kids up here to sing the song with us...but I don't see any of those tonight!" haha Then she gave an open invitation to anyone who wanted to to come up and sing it with them. People cheered, including me, and that's when Sarah whipped her head around to look right at me. She said, "Michelle! Do you want to sing? Get on up here!" I can't be sure, but my mouth may or may not have dropped open.

I shot up out of my seat, and grabbed the girl sitting next to me, who I had met/talked to in line all day. We started looking around, trying to figure out how we were going to get on the stage because there weren't little stairs on the side and it was up pretty high. Sarah must have read our minds because she said, "How are you girls going to get up here? Where can you go?" And she looked off to the side at one of the security guys, and he happened to be standing next to the little backstage door that we could get to by walking around the outer circle of tables. So he motioned us over and we hurried over there, weaving through tables and people haha

As we made our way, Sarah announced to everyone that they were going to wait until we got up there to start haha The nice security man let us in the little door and told us to follow the steps in front of us around to the back of the stage. We did, and when we got there, there was Sarah waiting to greet us. She came over to us and in to her mic she said, "MICHELLE BELL SIXTEEEEENNNNN" and then threw her arms around me and gave me a big hug. I was cracking up that she called me by my twitter name in front of everyone. Then she asked the other girl her name, and gave her a big hug. Sarah led us to the front of the stage, where Jedd said hi to us and gave us hugs. By that time, 2 other ladies had joined us too, so it was the 4 of us. Right before Sarah was about to start, I asked her where her tambourine was, and she got it for me to play during the song haha The other 3 girls were standing around Sarah and I was next to the one girl and then next to Jedd, and I was going to stay there and let the other girls get to sing with Sarah. At one point in the beginning half of the song Jedd was playing and laughing right next to me and I turned and played the tambourine off his shoulder haha It was hilarious and we were having a blast.

Also in the beginning half of the song, Sarah kept pointing at Jedd's open mic and she wanted us to sing in to it. It was too high for us because we were all shorter, and Jedd came over and lowered it down haha We didn't know that they actually wanted us to sing it sing it into the mic with them! haha Me and the one girl I was next to kind of tried to sing in to the mic but it was kind of intimidating haha

When we got to the 2nd verse, the 4 of us and Sarah were singing and looking at each other, and when we sang, "Sails in the sunlight, rocking in the sweetest motion," Sarah and I did the rocking motion like she does in the video haha Then as we're singing the next line, Sarah started moving around the other girls towards me. When she got to me she put her arm around me and held the mic up to my face. I think I gave her a look like 'What are you doing??' hahaha But Sarah was pretty determined that I was going to sing with her in her mic because she kept holding it up there. With her arm around me we sang "I know I'm dreaming like a child, but some things just don't go out of style...' together and in my mind at that moment I was like 'Wow, I can't believe this is happening.'

Sarah stayed next to me for the rest of the song and there were some points where she'd hold the mic up in between us and one minute we'd be singing together and the next she'd stop singing and make me sing haha I have no idea if you could even hear me because I couldn't really hear anything but the band haha

The whole thing was seriously amazing and SO MUCH FUN. We were all laughing and having a good time and I think the crowd enjoyed it too. When the song was over, Sarah gave me another huge hug and kiss on the cheek. I told her I loved her and she said she loved me too. Jedd gave me a big hug and kiss too and oh man that can definitely happen again in the future. I'd be ok with that haha

The rest of the show went by in a blur. The crowd loved Stupid Boy, and Sarah got everyone on their feet for Full Moon Friday :) Then after the show Sarah went across the front of the stage and shook people's hands and when she grabbed mine she was like 'Michelleeee' and I told her I had stuff for her and she got all excited. She told me to meet them at their merch table. I got in line and I was glad to see that a lot of people had stayed after to get in line to meet them.

My mom and I stood in line a bit and eventually we were next. When the group of women in front of us went up to the table and Sarah looked up, she saw me behind them and said, "Michelle, Michelle, Michelle" and hit the table in excitement haha The one lady in the group needed someone to take a picture for her so Sarah handed me her camera and asked if I'd do it haha After I took her picture and the women said goodbye, it was my turn. Sarah stood up, leaned over the table and grabbed me. While we were hugging, I said, "Thank you so much for your messages" and she said, "Aw you're welcome. How are you?! Are you ok?!" I told her I was doing better and she told me I looked good, which took me by surprise, but thought was so sweet. Then I gave Jedd a big hug and he asked how I was doing haha I tried to play it cool but I was definitely dying on the inside haha

The first thing I did was hand Sarah her (now belated) birthday cards from me and Holly. I said, "So, Holly and I totally had these birthday cards for you in Nashville but clearly that never happened so they're a little late but here you go!" Sarah cracked up and said thank you and as she looks at the cards, she asked me if the one was my handwriting. The one she was looking at was Holly's, so I told her that wasn't mine, it was her's. Sarah flipped out over Holly's handwriting, it was hilarious. "Oh my gosh! That's like, perfect! Wow, that's like scary precise. Oh my gosh!" It was so funny. Then I handed Sarah a note from Holly's 7 year old neighbor that loves her. Sarah got all excited and said she couldn't wait to read it.

After that, I handed Sarah a poem I wrote her. I told her, "And I wrote this poem for you. Because I couldn't really say everything I wanted to say in 140 characters." Sarah opened up the paper to look at it real quick, then clutched the paper to her chest and looked me straight in the eye. She said, "You wrote this?! For me...?!" I nodded my head yes and again she was like "No, you wrote this...for me?!" I laughed and said, "Yes, I wrote this, for you!" She held it against her some more and said, "It's ok that I don't read it now right? I don't want to read it in front of you...I need to have a private moment to read it." haha I told her that was fine as long as she tells me that she read it/what she thinks. She promised me she would.

(As of right now I haven't heard from her about it and I'm dying to know if she read it/what she thought haha Hopefully she really will tell me somehow. Oh and if you want to read it, let me know and I'll send it.)

Then, I gave Sarah and Jedd these pictures I'd made them. What I did, was I dried flowers from the garden in my backyard (purple ones for Sarah and red and yellow tiger lillies for Jedd) and I made the treble clef out of the purple ones, and glued it onto scrapbook paper, which turned out to look almost like a script S. So I used that as the S in Sarah's name and then just wrote out the 'arah' next to it in sharpie. Then I figured out that if I inverted the bass clef, it looked like a script J, so then I wrote the 'edd' of Jedd's name out next to that one the scrapbook paper. I wasn't sure if they'd be able to tell what they were, but when I handed them each theirs their mouths dropped open. I told them where I got the flowers from and that I wanted to make musical symbols out of them and at the same time Sarah and I said 'Treble clef' haha Then she pointed at Jedd's and said "That's the bass clef" so I was relieved lol Betsy thought those were pretty neat too, so I was glad they liked them.

At this point I introduced my parents who were standing behind me, and Sarah and Jedd were excited to formally meet them this time. Sarah told my mom, "We LOVE your daughter" and I missed if my mom had any sort of reaction because I was walking around the table to get in between them for a picture haha My dad reminded Sarah that they'd seen them in Charlotte and that he played the shaker for them and Sarah pointed at him and said, "Ah yes! That was great!" Then Sarah said, "Yeah, we didn't have any drinks spilled this time" which cracked me up haha I said, "Yeah, that other random girl spilled it!" And Sarah cracked up.

Dad handed them a graphic I had made that I had intentions of getting signed, but when they looked at it they thought it was cool and thought that it was for them, so I let them have it haha I didn't really need their autograph again, I'd just made it the night before so I'd have something in case the people were strict about needing to have something to sign if you got in line. Sarah and Betsy said that the pictures I used on it were cool and that they wished people would give them cool pictures they take since they don't have any. My dad took the picture of the 3 of us and handed me the camera to check that it came out ok. Jedd, Sarah and inspected it, and Jedd told me he really liked my camera haha

My mom told them that we're going to their show in western NY at the end of the month and they seemed excited about that. My dad told them that we have a cottage a little over an hour from where the show is, and then I told them that the 3 of them are welcome to stay with us for the show if they want to. My dad told them it's on a lake and all their eyes kind of lit up at that. They seemed to be seriously excited about the offer, so I'm crossing my fingers that maybe it just might happen. I mean, it is a free place to stay. I told Jedd we'd take them out on our boat haha

All the while all this conversation has been going on, Sarah and I just kept hugging each other every few minutes. It was so adorable. We'd kind of just look at each other and start hugging and say 'I love you' haha When we were getting ready to finally say goodbye to them, Sarah turned to me and asked me again if I was doing ok and I told her I was. She said she's been doing yoga more like she promised and I told her I'd been walking more like I promised. Then when we were really saying goodbye I told her I was serious about them staying with us and to just let me know and she said she would. And I reminded her again about the poem and she said she'd let me know about that too. So my fingers are definitely crossed about both of those things. We hugged and said I love you like 3 more times and I'm proud of myself that I didn't start to cry even though I wanted to ha I gave Jedd a few more hugs as well and he told me to be safe. I said goodbye and thank you to Betsy and went outside the little gate to my parents.

My dad was talking to the one guitarist, who actually played with Danny Gokey when he opened for Sugarland when my dad and I went to see them in May! haha My dad was all excited that he recognized him, although I was frustrated with my dad that he never asked the guy his name. The guy was SO nice though. He seriously couldn't say enough good things about Jedd and Sarah and how he loved playing with them and that he hopes he can do it again soon. He said that they're working on a record deal that would be huge for them. He said that they're a pretty big deal in Nashville and just kept going on and on about how talented they were and how genuine they were. He said that if things work out with this record deal and all that stuff, that he thinks they could really be the next HUGE country duo in the next year or two because they're that good. Talking with him, I just felt so proud of Sarah and Jedd. I hope all that comes true because knowing Sarah and Jedd, they'd just be as real as they are now and they truly deserve amazing success.

What a night! I can't wait until August 28th to see them again!

Don't know who I am staring at a million broken pieces here

This morning I collapsed on the floor of my room crying for over a half hour. The most embarrassing part is not that it happened in the first place, or that it happened because I weigh almost as much now as I did 4-5 years ago when this all started. It's the fact that my mother walked into my room in the midst of it. I couldn't face her 'I told you so's' so I told her to leave. I'm not going to be able to face her constant questions later, either.

I hate that I can't lose weight like a normal person.
I hate that it's my own body doing this to me.
I hate that it had taken me 3 years to lose 15 pounds or so pounds.
I hate that in the 1 year after that, or I should say only the 1 summer after all that, I managed to gain it all back.
I hate that the only time I actually lost any weight was at school.
I hate that the only reason I lost weight at school is because I wouldn't eat.
I hate that the place I gained weight back every time was at home.
I hate that I can't get away with not eating here.
I hate that my home feels toxic somehow.
I hate my mother's judgment.
I hate my mother's constant need to know every move I make.
I hate that I'm stuck here at home in this environment where I feel like I'm drowning.
I hate that no matter how hard I've tried to work out the last few weeks at home, I still weigh just as much.
I hate that I feel self conscious about attempting to work out in a gym, or work out at all really.
I hate that I don't have anyone to take a walk with because it'd ease that self-conscious feeling and that's how I would much rather "work out".
I hate that in this moment I feel like a freak and a failure.

I know what you need...bring it on home to me

By the time we were done eating, Little Big Town’s set was just about to start. We walked back to the buses and saw Emily again and she asked, “Did you girls find it ok? Were you able to get something to eat?” We told her we had and thanked her again. We asked her and Heather Morgan, who was standing there too, if Sarah and Jedd were still on the bus, to see if they were still working/if we’d missed them since we could hear LBT doing their first song. Heather said she thought they were still on the bus and when she went to open the door to check for us, the door swung open and out came Sarah, apparently on her way to look for us haha

“Hey! You girls ready? Let’s go!” Sarah exclaimed and we eagerly followed her over to the door leading to the side of the stage. We walked inside and staked out a spot right near some sort of big road case where we laid our stuff. There were some other people standing side stage as well, along with some of the other artists who were watching and Sarah said hi to them while we immersed ourselves in Little Big Town.

After Sarah said hi and talked to some people she turned back towards us and we sang and rocked out to the rest of Fine Line. Then, all the sudden, Emily popped up next to Sarah, which was exciting. We all hugged her and said hi, and the 5 of us jammed to some Bones.

I think that Sarah and Emily were as entertained watching the three of us rock to LBT as we were entertained watching the two of them watch LBT haha It was so cool to watch Little Big Town from side stage because we could really see the crowd and their reaction to them and their music. This was especially true during Little Big Town’s new song “The Reason Why”. Emily and Sarah FLIPPED OUT over this song and they knew ALL the words. They were singing it to each other, and to us and it was so fun! The song is SO catchy and by the second chorus Mandie, Holly and I were singing right along too. It was adorable to see how excited they got over that song. Made me even more excited for AUGUST 24th to buy the new CD!!!!!!

Sarah, Emilly, Holly, Mandie and I swayed and sang along to A Little More You, and Sarah and Emily were so cute singing it to each other and us. At one point Emily and Sarah threw their arms around each other and said, “I love you friend”. It was seriously adorable and I had to take a picture of them, so I did. The moment was just so cute that I couldn’t pass it up, so I asked if I could get a picture with the two of them together and they were like, “Heck yes!” I got in between Emily and Sarah for the picture and we all leaned our heads together and hugged while Holly took it.

Then, we went back to absolutely jamming to Good as Gone.

When Phillip’s voice rang out through the ampitheater for the beginning of Bring It On Home, Mandie, Holly, Sarah, Emily and I all looked at each other at the same time and cheered so loud. I turned to Sarah and went to high five her over our excitement and love of the song.

Then something happened that I never would have expected, but I know I’ll never forget. Sarah gave me a high five, and squeezed my hand. But as we brought our hands down, she didn’t let go and continued to hold my hand. I looked at her, surprised, and she squeezed my hand again and smiled at me. We swayed back and forth to the song, singing along and still holding hands. As I stood there, listening to Little Big Town’s heart filled harmonies, and each lyric of the song, this wave of disbelief and love and joy just hit me. There I was, standing there, listening to my favorite band, holding the hand of a girl who is honestly one of my heroes, during a song that is pieced together by love and hope. As Sarah kept holding my hand well into the bridge of the song, I felt that with each line of the song that was passing as our hands swung together, Sarah was silently singing the song back to me through her gesture and through that moment. It was as if she was saying, ‘It’s going to be ok’. When our hands finally did let go, all I could do was smile.

In the middle of Boondocks, we followed Jedd and Sarah around to the other side of the stage so they could get ready to set up for the mini set on the main stage before Jamey Johnson, and before they would perform again. The funny thing was, as we walked out and around, I’m not sure we stopped singing Boondocks haha By the time we were settled on the other side they were at the “You get a line, I get a pole…” parts, and Sarah and Jedd were singing along to the 2 parts with us too! So fun. After Little Big Town was done, they walked off the stage on the side we were now on, and went right by where we were standing. They saw us as they walked off and gave us all high fives, which was awesome.

We watched Sarah and Jedd rock the main stage with Cory, and although we couldn’t see their faces while they performed because we were standing behind them, it was really cool to be able to support them from back there, especially being able to see them when they walked off at the end of their mini set and being able to tell them how great they were. After that, we went back to the buses for a little while so Sarah and Jedd could rehearse Copperhead Road some more last minute before going on with Jamey. Then, when it was time, we followed them back to side stage to wait for their turn to sing with him. We could tell they were really excited, yet nervous about their performance, and we were glad to be able to be standing there cheering them on once again.

Again, we couldn’t see their faces, but we could tell that they were giving it everything they had, like they always do, when they sang with Jamey. The crowd seemed pretty responsive, and when the song was over, Sarah threw her arms around Jedd and they gave each other a huge hug, which was really touching to see. As soon as they made their way back to us, we gave them big hugs as well and told them how amazing they were.

The day was finally coming to an end, and Mandie, Holly and I knew it as we looked at each other, following Sarah and Jedd out the door back toward the buses and ultimately, the gate to leave. We stopped though in the open lot a few feet from the gate for one more picture taking/conversation/hugging session before we left. Holly asked Sarah and Jedd to record a video saying hi to her little neighbor, which they were more than happy to do, and which Kendall absolutely loved. After that, we got one last picture with Sarah and Jedd before saying our real goodbyes.

I said bye to Jedd first, while Holly and Mandie said goodbye to Sarah. He asked, “Did you have fun today? Thank you so much for all your help, we really appreciated it!” All I could do was laugh a little bit because saying I simply ‘had fun’ would have been the understatement of the century. I hugged him tight as I responded, “Yes, I had an incredible day. And it was seriously no problem. Thank YOU for everything that you did for us.” Then we switched, and Holly and Mandie said goodbye to Jedd, while I said goodbye to Sarah.

I turned to face Sarah and the first thing we did was hug. As we were pulling away, she put her hands on my shoulders and looked me right in the eye. She had this determination in her eyes, like she was going to make sure I listened to whatever it was she was about to say. “Michelle, it will get better. You’ll find friends because you’re too awesome not to.”

As the words came out of her mouth, I suddenly felt my heart beating faster out of nervousness because I couldn’t believe that she wanted to have this conversation; that she wanted to reassure me and make it a point to tell me what she was saying. I was trying in vain to remember what I’d said about that in the letter I wrote her, to attempt to elaborate on how things have been for the last 8-10 years. I stuttered, “Things were so bad in high school that when college came, I told myself that it would get better. But it didn’t, 4 years later it was just more of the same and I don’t understand if it’s me or what.” Not my most eloquent moment, but I didn’t want to ramble away my chance to hear what Sarah had to say.

Sarah continued, “If you think people are your best friends and they treat you like crap and it turns out they’re not? F*** ‘em. I’m sorry for being blunt, but I mean it. You don’t need them. Just let go of your ego and let them go.”

And in that moment, I understood exactly what she was saying. I had just graduated college a few weeks prior, and all the people I’d spent 4 years thinking were my good/close friends, I didn’t spend time with any of them; didn’t say any tearful goodbyes or ‘I’ll miss you’s’, let alone any goodbyes at all. I’d been feeling like I was never a part of their lives at all. I was wondering what was wrong with me, what had I done so wrong this whole time. That’s the ego Sarah was talking about. Not ‘look at me, I’m the best, aren’t I so great’, but the ‘what did I do? why aren’t I enough?’ Old habits die hard, but I’ve been trying to remember that advice more and more as the weeks pass by.

Anyway, after she said that to me and I was kind of in a state of shock because it was all hitting me, all I could do was hug her again. She held me tight and I whispered, “I hope some day I have a friend like you.”

Her response? “You do. You have me. You’ll always have me.”

If I wasn’t in shock before, I definitely was then. I hugged her tighter, bit my lip to suck in the tears threatening my eyes and said, “I love you Sarah” and she said, “I love you too Michelle.”

Finally we broke apart, gave one last round of hugs and said goodbye to Sarah and Jedd. Mandie, Holly and I walked together to the gate to go back out on the concourse. As I caught Mandie and Holly's faces in the floodlights, the tears in my eyes trickled out as we all let out an incredulous breath.

The weight of the world is on your shoulders

We speed walked to the gate because they had to go on stage with Emily and sing Barbie Doll with Jack Ingram and the three of us were trying to keep up because we have little legs compared to Sarah and Jedd haha It was pretty funny. We were about to walk through the gate with Sarah when the security lady stopped us and asked for our wristbands. We obviously didn’t have any at that moment because they didn’t know we were coming, but Sarah told the lady we were with her. The lady shook her head and wasn’t having any of that. Sarah was kind of frustrated and asked the lady if she got us wristbands could we come back with her. The security lady said yes and we could see the wheels turning in Sarah’s head. She said “Ok girls, you go watch Jack Ingram and I’ll try and find you wristbands and meet you back here afterwards” and it was kind of like ‘ready break’ like we were in the huddle of a neighborhood game of flag football or something haha

So Mandie, Holly and I walked down into the main ampitheater to watch them do Barbie Doll, all the while wondering if Sarah would A) remember to look for wristbands B) find any wristbands and C) come meet us back at the gate even if she couldn’t find any to let us know that. Emily, Sarah and Jedd doing Barbie Doll with Jack was so much fun and we were like one-two people away from the stage for it. It was a pretty cool angle, although the two guys in front of us were super tall and my arms definitely were feeling it taking video of that song haha When the song was over, we watched them walk off, and walked back over near the gate to wait and see what would happen.

We didn’t want the security lady to think we were trying to go where we didn’t belong or were annoying so we sat on a stone wall across the way so we could still see in the gate since it was open. We watched people go in and out of backstage, wondering what would happen. About 10 minutes or so went by when all the sudden we see someone walking toward the gate with flashes of green. As the person approached, we realized it was Sarah with wristbands in hand! We got up off the wall and met her at the gate and came face to face with the same security lady. Sarah looked at the lady, flashed her the bracelets and with a look of triumph said again, ‘Can they come back now?’ The lady said, “yep,” and Sarah handed each of us a VIP wristband.

We walked back to the bus with Sarah, and there were a lot more people on it than the day before. Everyone was just hanging out, and Troy was there and we told him how nice his sign looked on the bathroom door haha We also saw the purple wall hanging on the window in the front of the bus for everyone to see. It looked really cool there above the table. We sat and talked to Troy for a bit, while everyone else was going in and out of the back of the bus. He said, “Who wants to start a party with me? Come on, I’m trying to get one started” and he grabbed his guitar. He started playing La Bamba haha Then Emily came on the bus and he told her to sing French Blues or something. Not sure how that gets the party started, but it was really funny. Emily sounds amazing singing anything, and it was kind of neat to hear her make up her own “French Blues” song. Jedd and Sarah had been trying to figure out what song they were singing with Jamey Johnson that night, but when they came out from working on that, the one tour manager said we had to clear the bus because they were doing interviews. Sarah walked off the bus with us and we thought she had to do interviews, but lucky for us, she didn’t.

Sarah, Holly, Mandie and I started walking across the open lot backstage, and Sarah recited the words to “Copperhead Road”, which was the song she and Jedd would be performing with Jamey Johnson. None of us knew the song, but it was pretty cool to watch Sarah walk along with us and tell us the whole song, like we were at a poetry reading or something She was pretty proud of herself that she remembered them all after just looking at them a few minutes prior. After she recited the words she asked if we liked Jamey Johnson and looking back, I have to laugh because Jamey Johnson is probably one of my least favorite country artists. But Sarah LOVES him haha She told us how nice he is and how “real” his music is. We told her we didn’t know much of his music, though “In Color” isn’t bad. Sarah was so excited to be singing with Jedd with Jamey Johnson, and although we don’t like him, we were really excited for them.

As we were still walking, Sarah then asked if we knew Copperhead Road and we told her no. She told us how it was a Steve Earle song. I wish I could remember exactly how Sarah explained the song to us, because the look on her face and the way she described the song caught my attention and had me interested. I think she said the song was about Vietnam maybe? It’s definitely about a war. She asked if we knew anything about Steve Earle/any of his music. I told her, “Anything I know about Steve Earle is from the Sugarland song” haha At this point we’d stopped walking and stood in a circle on a grassy area backstage. Sarah asked about Sugarland’s song “Steve Earle” and Holly got out her iPod touch, which luckily has the external speaker, and played the song for her. We all swayed along to the song and in the middle of it, Sarah was like “Oh, I have heard this from the record!” When it was over, we all cracked up and Sarah said how she enjoys Sugarland a lot as well.

Of course we gushed about how much we loved Sugarland and LBT. It might have been at that point when Holly and I brought up seeing Sarah rocking out to LBT the night before from side stage. I asked, “If you go watch them tonight from side stage do you need some people to rock out with?” She nodded and said, “Yeah definitely! Jedd and I have to rehearse later for playing with Jamey tonight but if we’re done then for sure.”

Again, I wish I could remember the exact order of the rest of the conversation, although at the same time, it kind of jumped around to different topics anyway. I think it was after talking about Sugarland LBT when she asked me if I’d seen her tweet to me from the night before about the letter I’d written her. She asked if I’d seen it and I told her I had and she said, “Jedd and I cried reading your letter.” That floored me. I’m pretty sure we hugged and I know I told her that I cried reading her tweets in the middle of the show.

While the four of us were standing there together, it was so comfortable, like the three of us were just simply catching up with Sarah. We talked about music. We talked about being on tour. We talked about friendship. We talked about life in general. We must have stood there talking with Sarah for a half hour.

At one point, Sarah said to us, “I know how awkward being in your 20’s can be. There’s school and work and real life and you kind of feel like you’re torn between all these different things. And you wonder what you’re going to do with your life and what’s going to happen.” That’s when she told us again, “Open your heart to life’s possibilities, they’re out there. You’ll find them.” She looked us in the eye as she said all that, as if she was urging us to believe her and just keep holding on. When she looked at me, it’s like we shared an understanding; that somehow she knew her words were what I needed to hear.

Another cool moment was when we were talking about music and how when we’re sad or angry we all just put music on to get those emotions out and Sarah was telling us how she listens to really angry music when she’s upset so she doesn’t have to write it, or something like that haha I said, “My playlist when I’m having a bad day is Remedy and Mississippi’s Crying on repeat”, and Sarah asked me to remind her how Remedy went because it’d been a long time since she’d heard Remedy, even though it’s her own song. Of course, it was one of those moments where I could sing Remedy no problem from memory any other time, but since Sarah had asked me I totally blanked haha

So Holly got her iPod back out and put it on for us to hear. It’s one of my favorite songs of Sarah’s, and I’ve been dying to hear her actually sing it. Sarah held Holly’s iPod up to her ear so she could make sure to hear it. It was pretty funny to see her listening to herself on Holly’s iPod because she really didn’t remember how the song went, but was totally swaying along. Until the one part “Everything you’ve locked away is beautiful and it’s ok” came on. She totally busted out singing the next line, “Let it out, let me in.”

Towards the end of the song she said, “Me and Jedd should cut this,” to which I replied, “Yes please!” Then she explained, “I just feel bad because you know, Fleetwood Mac is a big influence of Little Big Town’s…Fleetwood Mac is my only influence. So I always feel bad because this sounds Little Big Townish. I just wouldn’t want to step on any toes, not that I could or would, you know what I mean? But this sounds like a Little Big Town song.” I had honestly never thought that about Remedy until Sarah said it, but I could definitely see what she meant. I think that just means that she and Little Big Town need to collaborate ASAP haha I didn’t tell her that though…maybe next time.

While we were standing there, Jedd walked by and asked Sarah if she was ready to rehearse some more. We told Sarah we were going to get food and we’d meet her back at the bus later when LBT’s set was about to start to see if she was done. From there, we wandered out to the concourse and attempted to find food. Once we finally decided to try the sub place, we found out they didn’t have any bread left…uh ok haha We walked backstage still hungry and we went to sit outside the bus again to figure out what to do. As we were sitting there, Troy walks by with a plate of food that looked really good. We wondered if with our wristbands we would be able to get catering, too. While we were deciding if we should try to go find it, Troy sees us and says, “Little Big Town is around the bus! Go say hi to them!” The three of us looked at him in disbelief. We thought he was teasing us ha He said, “No really, they’re right over there! You should go say hi.” We laughed and said bye to him as he got on the bus to eat his food.

Mandie, Holly and I got up from where we were sitting and decided to try to find catering since we were still really hungry. We take 2 steps and there coming around the bus next to us is Kimberly! Troy really wasn’t lying when he said Little Big Town was right around the corner haha She notices us and stopped to say hi. I’m pretty sure we got hugs, too. I told her that we came back because we had so much fun yesterday in Charlotte and she laughed and said she was glad. We said bye to her and continued on with our quest for catering. We walked another couple feet and saw Jimi and Karen walking in our direction. We called out hi to them as we all walked by each other, and they waved and said hi and that it was good to see us.

First part of our quest for catering? Epic fail. After wandering around backstage we definitely couldn’t find it, and felt awkward walking around aimlessly because we didn’t want to look like we didn’t belong back there. During our search we saw other people with the same wristbands eating, which made us feel a little better about looking for it, but were still bummed we couldn’t find it; not to mention, still hungry. We walked back towards the bus in hopes to find someone we could possibly ask. Lucky again for us, we saw Emily walking toward the bus too with food in hand. We called her name and she turned around and stopped as we caught up to her. I begged, “Emily can you help us? We tried to get food on the concourse but they didn’t have any bread left and we’re starving. Can you tell us where catering is?”

Emily totally saved the day and gave us directions to the little building where catering was, and who to go to so we could pay to get the little ticket to go through the buffet line. We thanked her profusely and she said, “If you can’t find it or have any problems let me know.” Such a sweetheart. On our way again, this time we walked by Phillip and he stopped to give us all hugs. He told us it was great to see us again. Another total sweetheart. Love him. We found the building she was talking about, which turns out, was right where we had been looking before. I guess we just assumed catering would be an outside thing, but it wasn’t. Eventually we got our little ticket and found the other room where the food was. There were a bunch of people in there eating, but just as we were finishing going through the line a table opened up and we sat down. As we’re sitting there eating, I looked up and saw Heidi Newfield sitting at the table next to us haha We didn’t say hi to her, but I thought that was pretty neat anyway haha We also saw Chelsea, the girl who handed out stuff about the Blue Bird Café in the tent and she came over and sat with us to eat. It was cool to talk to her and share dessert haha