Don't know who I am staring at a million broken pieces here

This morning I collapsed on the floor of my room crying for over a half hour. The most embarrassing part is not that it happened in the first place, or that it happened because I weigh almost as much now as I did 4-5 years ago when this all started. It's the fact that my mother walked into my room in the midst of it. I couldn't face her 'I told you so's' so I told her to leave. I'm not going to be able to face her constant questions later, either.

I hate that I can't lose weight like a normal person.
I hate that it's my own body doing this to me.
I hate that it had taken me 3 years to lose 15 pounds or so pounds.
I hate that in the 1 year after that, or I should say only the 1 summer after all that, I managed to gain it all back.
I hate that the only time I actually lost any weight was at school.
I hate that the only reason I lost weight at school is because I wouldn't eat.
I hate that the place I gained weight back every time was at home.
I hate that I can't get away with not eating here.
I hate that my home feels toxic somehow.
I hate my mother's judgment.
I hate my mother's constant need to know every move I make.
I hate that I'm stuck here at home in this environment where I feel like I'm drowning.
I hate that no matter how hard I've tried to work out the last few weeks at home, I still weigh just as much.
I hate that I feel self conscious about attempting to work out in a gym, or work out at all really.
I hate that I don't have anyone to take a walk with because it'd ease that self-conscious feeling and that's how I would much rather "work out".
I hate that in this moment I feel like a freak and a failure.