All the things I've felt and never shared

I pretend that I don't care about being alone.

I pretend that I think I won't end up alone.

I pretend I'm not scared to not be able to have children.

I pretend that I'm not scared to not get married.

I pretend that I don't care about never seeing my family.

I pretend it doesn't bother me that I probably won't meet some of my cousins.

I pretend that I have friends left at home.

I pretend that I have a ton of friends at school if anyone asks.

I pretend I don't care all my friends have or have had boyfriends.

I pretend I don't care I've never had a boyfriend.

I pretend I don't care that I've never been kissed.

I pretend everything's ok.

I pretend that I don't care about my weight.

I pretend that I know what my future will be like.

I pretend that people don't hurt my feelings.

I pretend that people breaking promises to me doesn't matter.

I pretend never hearing I love you doesn't hurt.

I pretend I'm not taken for granted.

I pretend that I don't think about all this stuff.

Everybody needs somebody sometimes

This weekend is Blue and White weekend. Friday night and Saturday morning is the carnival. I can't believe it's already a year later and I'm basically in the same position as this time last year. Alone.

I want to go to the carnival so badly. I love that kind of thing, even though I'm 20 years old. But who is going to go with me? Jackie doesn't exist to anyone but her boyfriend, I'm not close with Sarah anymore, Anna doesn't like those type of things, and that leaves Megg. Last year she wouldn't go with me because she went with her boyfriend. Sure, I could go out on a limb and ask (more like beg) her to go with me, but I doubt it'd get me very far.

It still cuts me that I would have to beg someone to do something like this with me. For once I just wish someone would think about me and ask me if I wanted to go. Is that wrong?

Oh, I could always go with my parents. Funny, right? All I've done my whole life is do stuff with my parents because I didn't have anyone else. I wonder what they think about having a daughter who is a loser.