You tried to explain but I couldn't hear it as if your words were my tears

"I don't know how it happened, how I don't have anyone. But I don't have anyone." --Grey's Anatomy

When your faith is stretched so thin that you can see straight through your soul

What do you do when your dream comes true? The dream that you thought about every day, the dream you always prayed about, the dream you were convinced would never come true because something that special, something that beautiful couldn't possibly happen to you. The dream you took solace in dreaming anyway. The dream that others knew about, but at the same time, didn't know about just how deep that dream went within you.

Saturday night mine came true. I finally met Kristian Bush and Jennifer Nettles of Sugarland. It was probably the most amazing minute of my life, which I'm sure sounds so strange and probably funny to most people. But to me, in that one minute that I was right there talking to them, my dream was right there, it was right in front of me. And I'll forever have those memories and the picture with them.

It's 3 days later and I haven't stopped thinking about it all. And I keep trying to push aside this empty feeling that is absorbing my head and my heart. But it's there, I know it is. I want to go back to Saturday because it was finally a day I didn't have to worry. I didn't have to worry about getting to class on time. I didn't have to worry about paying attention in class. I didn't have to worry about what assignments I had due. I didn't have to worry about questioning myself as to whether or not I could handle everything and get it done. I didn't have to worry about my family not having enough money. I didn't have to worry about not getting a job when I graduate. I didn't have to worry about being alone in my apartment and how lonely I feel here in general. I didn't have to worry about not really having any friends here at school. I didn't have to worry about how once again I don't have the best friend I thought I finally had.

What I did have was some old friends and some newer ones. I did have music. And I did have Jennifer, Kristian and my dream.

But now all those things are gone except for the music. So now what do I do? Is it selfish for me to want to have all that again? Is it wrong of me to want to meet Sugarland again and be able to spend another minute talking to them, especially when there are so many other people who haven't been able to experience what I just experienced? I think right now besides emptiness I feel guilt. I feel so guilty for wanting to meet them again more than anything. I feel awful that I can't just be satisfied with the amazing gift God literally gave me the other night.

So I guess for now I just let the tears fall as I wrestle with that confliction, while at the same time, holding onto the newest portion of my dream with both hands and whole heart.

Yeah I'll look like I'm ok

"They Say" by Danielle Peck<3

They say they saw me in a coffee shop
With a few old friends and we laughed it out
Looked as happy as can be, yeah
They say they saw me in a movie line
With a dark haired stranger's hand in mine
At the Sunday matinée
They say the next time that you see me
I'm gonna look like nothing happened
Like you never walked away
But don't believe half of what you see
Or anything they say

They say I've made some reservations
For a tropical vacation
The last week of July, yeah
They say I'm looking so much better now
I've put the pieces back together now
And there's a sparkle in my eye
One day we'll run into each other
And smile at one another
Yeah I'll look like I'm ok
But don't believe half of what you see
Or anything they say

They don't understand
I'm doing everything I can
Just to live just to breathe
Just to feel my heart beat
Without you

They say the new me would surprise you
I'm over all the heartache
And there's a smile on my face
But don't believe half of what you see
Or anything they say
No don't believe half of what you see
Or anything they say

Thought that I'd moved on, how wrong...

"Can't Stop the Rain" by Danielle Peck<33

Late at night
I lie awake
I close my eyes
Try not to think
I built these walls so high
So strong, I thought I was safe

It come on a day
When the sun shining down
Hits you like thunder
When no one's around
It can break you
Shake you up inside
You can run from the storm
Though it's not far behind
Pretend that you're not
Really dieing inside
Try as you may
When your heart
Just can't handle the pain
You can't stop the rain

It's hard to believe
A heart has a way
Of holding on
To yesterday
Thought that I'd moved on
How wrong cause
Here I am
Tears falling down my face

It come on a day
When the sun shining down
Hits you like thunder
When no one's around
It can break you
Shake you up inside
You can run from the storm
Though it's not far behind
Pretend that you're not
Really dieing inside
Try as you may
When your heart
Just can't handle the pain
You can't stop the rain

You can run from the storm
Though it's not far behind
Pretend that you're not
Really dieing inside
But try as you may
Try as you may
When your heart
Just can't handle the pain
You can't stop the rain

Already Gone

I LOVE SUGARLAND.

My mama mapped out
The road that she knows
Which hands you shake
And which hands you hold
In my hand me down Mercury
Ready to roll
She knew that I had to go

And hang out
Make lots of noise
And lay out
Late with a boy
Make the mistakes that she made
Cause she knew all along

I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone
Life is a runaway train
You can't wait to jump on

They say the first time
Won't ever last
But that didn't stop me
The first time he laughed
All my friends tried to warn me
The day that we met
Girl don't you lose your heart yet

Oh his dark eyes
Dared me with danger
And sparks fly like
Flame to a paper
Lighting his touch
Burning me up
But still I held on

Cause I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone
Life is a runaway train
You can't wait to jump on

Last time I saw him
I packed up my things
And he smiled like the first time
He told me his name
And we cried with other
We split the blame
For the moments we couldn't change

Pictures, dishes and socks
It's our whole life
Down to one box
There he was waving goodbye
On the front porch alone
And I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone
I was already gone

Hang out
Make lots of noise
And lay out late with a boy
Make the mistakes that she made
Life is a run away train
Dark eyes led me with danger
And sparks fly like
Flame to a paper
Lighting his touch
Life is a run away train
You can't wait to jump on

Let me down slow

Finding My Own Way by JillandKate

And I can hear my heart pound
Like there's never been another sound
In this whole wide world around
And I'm the only one now
And I can feel my bones shake
Like my body had an earth quake
And the walls are all about to cave
Oh it's about to go down

If there's a move I'm afraid to make it
If there's a claim I'm afraid to stake it
And I don't have all the answers yet
And I'm sure afraid to fake it

So let me down easy
Let me down slow
So let me down easy
Let me down slow
Everybody's got to hit the bottom oh
Everybody's got to find their own way
To go

And I can feel these words creep out
Like I never had a chance to speak out
They come so fast I can hardly breath
But I can hardly breathe now
I don't want to be alone now
I feel so far from home now
And there's a game I don't want to watch
Play out

If there's a move I'm afraid to make it
If there's a claim I'm afraid to stake it
And I don't have all the answers yet
But I'm sure afraid to fake it

So let me down easy
Let me down slow
Everybody's got to hit the bottom oh
Everybody's got to find their own way
To go

So let me down easy
Let me down slow
Everybody's got to hit the bottom oh
Everybody's got to find their own way
To go

Hide behind blue eyes

"Remedy" by Sarah Buxton<3

You're the master of disguise
But I can see the pain that you hide
Behind blue eyes
You put on the bravest face
You wear it with amazing grace
But alone at night
Do you cry
Lay your head on my heart
Let the healing start

Chorus
Let me be your remedy
When you're down
You can come to me
Love will set you free
And take you higher
Let me kiss away the pain
Til you feel alive again
Love will set you free
And take you higher
I'll be your remedy

Everything you've locked away
Is beautiful
And it's ok to let it out
And let me in
And I'm waiting for you
Beyond the blue

Chorus

Lay your head on my heart
Let the healing start

Chorus

I'll be your remedy
I'll be your remedy

It's like I'm giving up slowly

I think this pretty much sums it up:

"All I wanted to do was collapse into somebody's arms and cry today, but nobody was there to catch me."

All the things I've felt and never shared

I pretend that I don't care about being alone.

I pretend that I think I won't end up alone.

I pretend I'm not scared to not be able to have children.

I pretend that I'm not scared to not get married.

I pretend that I don't care about never seeing my family.

I pretend it doesn't bother me that I probably won't meet some of my cousins.

I pretend that I have friends left at home.

I pretend that I have a ton of friends at school if anyone asks.

I pretend I don't care all my friends have or have had boyfriends.

I pretend I don't care I've never had a boyfriend.

I pretend I don't care that I've never been kissed.

I pretend everything's ok.

I pretend that I don't care about my weight.

I pretend that I know what my future will be like.

I pretend that people don't hurt my feelings.

I pretend that people breaking promises to me doesn't matter.

I pretend never hearing I love you doesn't hurt.

I pretend I'm not taken for granted.

I pretend that I don't think about all this stuff.

Everybody needs somebody sometimes

This weekend is Blue and White weekend. Friday night and Saturday morning is the carnival. I can't believe it's already a year later and I'm basically in the same position as this time last year. Alone.

I want to go to the carnival so badly. I love that kind of thing, even though I'm 20 years old. But who is going to go with me? Jackie doesn't exist to anyone but her boyfriend, I'm not close with Sarah anymore, Anna doesn't like those type of things, and that leaves Megg. Last year she wouldn't go with me because she went with her boyfriend. Sure, I could go out on a limb and ask (more like beg) her to go with me, but I doubt it'd get me very far.

It still cuts me that I would have to beg someone to do something like this with me. For once I just wish someone would think about me and ask me if I wanted to go. Is that wrong?

Oh, I could always go with my parents. Funny, right? All I've done my whole life is do stuff with my parents because I didn't have anyone else. I wonder what they think about having a daughter who is a loser.

Memories they're following me like a shadow now

I know there's never been anything exceptional about me. Nothing sets me apart from everyone else. But I thought at least by now that being dependable, thoughtful, caring, friendly, patient, a good listener, funny, would count for something.

And it kills me because I know I'm no different than anybody else. But why is it ok for people to treat me like I'm a disposable object? Aren't I supposed to matter to someone by now? Shouldn't I have friends I go fun places with, stay up to all hours talking to, complain about too much homework and bad professors, be able to call and know that whatever it is I need, they'll do. Or maybe I've just been kidding myself my entire life and the effort I put into friendships is never going to be enough. I'm never going to be enough.

I know I blew it. If I had been more..insert anything really, here...I could've had some great friends. But it's too late for that now. I thought I was making friends. I thought that this time it would be different. I thought they would be there, and maybe, just maybe, I could forget about the past and make up for lost time, time they don't and will never know about. That didn't work out so well because once again I had to make a sacrifice, and that was myself.

What I'm left with is on again off again formal conversations and nights I have to fill with school work I have no motivation to do anymore. Nights I cry for the time things were better than this, and for a time I feel like is never going to come. All I have is waiting for the time to pass when I become invisible.

I feel like I'm losing my best friend. The worst part is she doesn't even know it and I'm not sure if she ever will. I wish I was courageous.

I close my eyes one more hopeless times and open them to find I'm still not dreaming

I've always had the uncanny ability to overhear things that I was never meant to hear in that moment, or ever. Most of the time I'm undiscovered but that wasn't the case tonight.

I overheard my aunt on the phone, which is nothing unusual. I swear my Aunt Anne knows everyone within the city of Albany and countless others throughout the rest of the country. I'd heard my name mentioned so I went over behind her as she finished up her conversation. She told the person on the other end she hoped that their appointment went well tomorrow. She hung up the phone and turned to find me there. My eyes must have been confused and curious because she came out and told me the truth.

Carolyn's cancer is back. My oldest cousin. I am so upset. That statement is way too simple to actually describe what I'm feeling, but it's the least painful to type I guess. This is the second time something like this has happened within the last 8 months. They'd finally cleared her in September. But now it's back. The last time I saw her was in August. I saw her a record 3 times this summer. Usually I would be able to say I'm 99.9% sure I'd be seeing her Memorial Day or Fourth of July of this year. Now? I'm not sure what to say or even think right now.

Again, I have this overwhelming feeling to see her. To talk to her. To make sure she's ok. Let her know I want her to be ok. Though in my head it's more of a selfish need. I have this gnawing feeling to tell her how much I miss her, how much I wish there weren't 25 years between us and that we'd gotten to spend more time together, that I love her. Alot.

But I can't. I tried to tell her I loved her once before I was leaving the lake. She wouldn't really look at me or hug me afterwards when I tried to say goodbye. I don't want to freak her out. That's the last thing she needs.

I try my damnest to make my voice sound like a smile

It's 2008 now. That's really hard to believe. I've always been one to think, but tonight it's really gotten the best of me.

Jennifer had already gotten James out of the door to my aunt's house and was calling after Madison who stood next to me at the top of the stairs. Madison's arms were wrapped tightly around my waist and as Jennifer kept calling her, she finally let go and went down the stairs, wedging herself between the door and the wall. The last thing she said was, "When will I see you again?" I told her, "Hopefully soon."

I'm 20 years old now and it still deflates me that the best answer I can give my little 8 year old second cousin, as well as myself every time they leave or I leave is "hopefully soon".

Hopefully soon never turns into anything concrete. Hopefully turns into maybe which culminates into a form of no. Soon becomes summers or years later if it receives a life at all. It's such a place holder...something to take up the space that would be so grossly obvious without its presence.

My life in relation to my family is one big hopefully soon. Hopefully soon I'll see my family for more than 2-3 days a year. Hopefully soon I'll meet everyone's children, husbands or wives I've never met. Hopefully soon I'll have been to everyone's houses. Hopefully soon I'll have everyone's address, email and phone number. Hopefully soon I'll use any or all of those ways to talk to them. Hopefully soon I'll know who they are as people. Hopefully soon they'll know more about me than my name and that I'm in college.

I have no idea if even one of these things is ever going to happen. And that just makes me so sad.