I try my damnest to make my voice sound like a smile

It's 2008 now. That's really hard to believe. I've always been one to think, but tonight it's really gotten the best of me.

Jennifer had already gotten James out of the door to my aunt's house and was calling after Madison who stood next to me at the top of the stairs. Madison's arms were wrapped tightly around my waist and as Jennifer kept calling her, she finally let go and went down the stairs, wedging herself between the door and the wall. The last thing she said was, "When will I see you again?" I told her, "Hopefully soon."

I'm 20 years old now and it still deflates me that the best answer I can give my little 8 year old second cousin, as well as myself every time they leave or I leave is "hopefully soon".

Hopefully soon never turns into anything concrete. Hopefully turns into maybe which culminates into a form of no. Soon becomes summers or years later if it receives a life at all. It's such a place holder...something to take up the space that would be so grossly obvious without its presence.

My life in relation to my family is one big hopefully soon. Hopefully soon I'll see my family for more than 2-3 days a year. Hopefully soon I'll meet everyone's children, husbands or wives I've never met. Hopefully soon I'll have been to everyone's houses. Hopefully soon I'll have everyone's address, email and phone number. Hopefully soon I'll use any or all of those ways to talk to them. Hopefully soon I'll know who they are as people. Hopefully soon they'll know more about me than my name and that I'm in college.

I have no idea if even one of these things is ever going to happen. And that just makes me so sad.