Sometimes I don't have the energy to prove everybody wrong

So yesterday was not one of my better Christmases. It started out pretty good and I had fun at my aunt and uncle's house with my 2 cousins. But I was sitting at their kitchen table trying to eat dessert and I looked down at my hands, and they were blue. Like dark blue. Thinking about it still freaks me out. Completely confused, my mom told me to go run my hands under hot water in the bathroom. A minute into that I felt dizzy, my ears started ringing and it was hard to hear, and I almost passed out.

Needless to say, I made my first trip to the hospital last night. 4 hours later, they told me I had some long name problem with my blood because I ingested too many nitrates somehow. The nitrates attached to my red blood cells, keeping the oxygen from being able to do that. Apparently this is extremely rare and the doctor said she'd only seen 1 other person with the same problem in 18 years. I was really scared the whole time I was there, and am glad it wasn't anything more serious. My hands are almost back to their normal color, though I still feel drained/exhausted. My one wrist is bruised too from where they stuck this really long needle in near my pulse...except the nurse couldn't find whatever it is she needed and spent like 5 minutes moving the needle around INSIDE my skin and I could feel it sticking in my vein and it hurt so bad. I've ever had a problem with needles/blood work when they do it normally in the crook of your arm. But I was in tears while the nurse was doing that, as hard as I tried not to be.

Now I have to fit in more doctor's appointments this coming week along with all the other doctor's appointments I already have, and all the studying I have to do. The anxiety is starting to creep back up and I'm beginning to dread the start of the semester again. I'm so afraid I'm going to forget to do something in terms of submitting all the paperwork etc I need to be able to graduate.I really hope I make it through until April 23rdish when I'm done teaching.

The girl behind the curtain hides so you can't see her hurting

I got the weight lecture once again from my mother. It's just a battle I'm never going to win. I lose weight, and that triggers her obsession over my weight, suddenly so proud of me and fawning in my smaller size and constantly pushing for more. I gain some of that weight back and it pushes the other half of her obsession for me to lose weight in the first place.

All of this? Because of some deficiency or another within myself melded together in my DNA in my conception.

My mother told me if I was smart enough to be on the Dean's List every semester and get a 4.0 this semester, I was smart enough to figure out how to lose weight.

Oh mother, if only you knew. You know why I lost all that weight last year before this past summer? It's because I basically stopped eating. I'm never hungry anymore, but would force myself to eat one "meal" a day. It's not hard to do when you live alone in an apartment building, go to class, or in this semester's case, teaching, and don't have any friends to spend time with.

No one knows about that. No one knows about the crippling fear in my heart over the fact that I may never be able to have children. I honestly don't know definitely or not and I'm absolutely terrified to find out. Not that it would be an "issue" anyway if I never have a boyfriend to become a husband.

I wish someone cared about my feelings and not just viewed them as casual, irrational thoughts.

It's like I love this pain

Oh Lady A, how you've perfectly written my life into another one of your songs<3

"Love This Pain"

She's no good for me
I know that she's a wild flower
She's got a restlessness
A beautifulness
A faith about her
There I am again calling her back
Letting her drive me crazy

Chorus
It's like I love this pain
A little too much
Love my heart all busted up
Something about her
It just don't work
But I can't walk away
It's like I love this pain

It's just an on again
And off again situation
Just a striking match
A tank of gas
A combination
Well there I am again
Lighting it up
Knowing that she'll just burn me

Chorus

Like I love this life
When nothing's right
But something's wrong
It's like I'm just not me
If I can't be
A sad, sad song

Chorus

Just a little heartbreak I thought I could handle...it's gonna take a few more tears to let go

Today is the day. The day I realized that I might actually be alone for the rest of my life. Sure, this thought has crossed my mind a few times before. But I've always tried to store it away. Tried to make myself feel better by telling myself that surely things would get better. After all these years, it had to eventually right? Wrong. In some ways I think it might be worse. Before, I felt like I had a second chance coming. One I was so sure would magically make everything better. But now, I don't know where to go from here.

I wish I knew what it was about me that makes everyone prefer to forget about me. What it is I'm missing that would make them care. Other people have told me it's not anything I could've done; it's the other person's loss. But really? How can so many people make the same 'mistake'? How can so many people treat me the same exact way if it's not something I've done?

My semester was AWFUL. The worst semester I've had to date. But through all of it there were all these exciting plans ahead for the summer that kept me going and got me through it. Now that summer is here, nothing has gone like I thought it would. Going on a mini road trip to see Kate Voegele with 2 friends from school turned into me being a 3rd wheel/practically invisible and essentially watching Kate Voegele alone. The Sugarland/Keith Urban concert where I was supposed to meet Sugarland turned into Sugarland not performing because Jenn was sick, no m&g, and again, essentially watching Keith Urban alone. A relaxing time catching up with people on the SLFC turned into the most hurtful words I've ever read in my life, and the feeling that I'm no longer welcome there, all because of an enormous misunderstanding. The Kenny Chesney stadium concert in June for Sugarland where my m&g was supposed to get transferred to, and I was going to see Megg over the summer for the first time in the 3 years I've known her, turned into again no m&g and now no Megg either.

All my hope and excitement for months. I swore this was finally going to be the time where I got through to her, got her to understand how much it meant for her to do something with me. How excited I was for her to go to the show with me and especially see Sugarland today. Instead, I get a text message a few weeks ago saying she might have to work and/or leave early, though she got this job months after she'd promised me she would come. And then another really long text message early on a Sunday morning full of empty apologies.

I JUST want a friend. Someone to laugh with. Someone to cry with. Someone to be spontaneous with. Someone to shop with. Someone to go to concerts with. Someone to talk with. Someone to listen to. Someone to listen to me. Someone to hug. Someone to hug me. Someone to love. Someone to love me.

I feel so pathetically worthless right now because all I want to do is lie in my bed and cry. As much as I know that being upset about this and I guess feeling sorry for myself, isn't doing me any good, it just all hurts too much right now. It hurts to think that there's something so wrong with me that I can't keep a friend.

I thought Megg was all those things, or at least, I thought she could be all those things. There are other people I thought was all those things too. If only they were here. If only I had the courage to tell them that. But I'm too afraid. Afraid that if I say too much, they'll disappear too.

I guess it'll just go to waste like dead flowers

I just love this song. Totally my life right now.

"Dead Flowers" by Miranda Lambert

I feel like the flowers in this vase
He just brought them home one day, “ain’t they beautiful” he said
They’ve been here in the kitchen and the water’s turning grey
They’re sitting in the vase but now they’re dead
Dead flowers

I feel like this long string of lights
They lit up our whole house on Christmas Day
But now it’s January and the bulbs have all burned out
But still they hang
Like dead flowers

He ain’t feeling anything
My love, my hurt, or the sting of this rain
And I’m living in a hurricane
All he can say is “man ain’t it such a nice day”
Yeah

I feel like the tires on this car
You said they won’t go far but we’re still rolling
I look in the rear view and I see dead flowers in the yard and that string of lights
And it ain’t glowing like dead flowers
Like dead flowers

He ain’t feeling anything
My love, my hurt, or the sting of this rain
I’m driving through a hurricane
All he can say is “man ain’t it such a nice day”
Hey I guess it’ll just go to waste
Like dead flowers
Like dead flowers