Today is the day. The day I realized that I might actually be alone for the rest of my life. Sure, this thought has crossed my mind a few times before. But I've always tried to store it away. Tried to make myself feel better by telling myself that surely things would get better. After all these years, it had to eventually right? Wrong. In some ways I think it might be worse. Before, I felt like I had a second chance coming. One I was so sure would magically make everything better. But now, I don't know where to go from here.
I wish I knew what it was about me that makes everyone prefer to forget about me. What it is I'm missing that would make them care. Other people have told me it's not anything I could've done; it's the other person's loss. But really? How can so many people make the same 'mistake'? How can so many people treat me the same exact way if it's not something I've done?
My semester was AWFUL. The worst semester I've had to date. But through all of it there were all these exciting plans ahead for the summer that kept me going and got me through it. Now that summer is here, nothing has gone like I thought it would. Going on a mini road trip to see Kate Voegele with 2 friends from school turned into me being a 3rd wheel/practically invisible and essentially watching Kate Voegele alone. The Sugarland/Keith Urban concert where I was supposed to meet Sugarland turned into Sugarland not performing because Jenn was sick, no m&g, and again, essentially watching Keith Urban alone. A relaxing time catching up with people on the SLFC turned into the most hurtful words I've ever read in my life, and the feeling that I'm no longer welcome there, all because of an enormous misunderstanding. The Kenny Chesney stadium concert in June for Sugarland where my m&g was supposed to get transferred to, and I was going to see Megg over the summer for the first time in the 3 years I've known her, turned into again no m&g and now no Megg either.
All my hope and excitement for months. I swore this was finally going to be the time where I got through to her, got her to understand how much it meant for her to do something with me. How excited I was for her to go to the show with me and especially see Sugarland today. Instead, I get a text message a few weeks ago saying she might have to work and/or leave early, though she got this job months after she'd promised me she would come. And then another really long text message early on a Sunday morning full of empty apologies.
I JUST want a friend. Someone to laugh with. Someone to cry with. Someone to be spontaneous with. Someone to shop with. Someone to go to concerts with. Someone to talk with. Someone to listen to. Someone to listen to me. Someone to hug. Someone to hug me. Someone to love. Someone to love me.
I feel so pathetically worthless right now because all I want to do is lie in my bed and cry. As much as I know that being upset about this and I guess feeling sorry for myself, isn't doing me any good, it just all hurts too much right now. It hurts to think that there's something so wrong with me that I can't keep a friend.
I thought Megg was all those things, or at least, I thought she could be all those things. There are other people I thought was all those things too. If only they were here. If only I had the courage to tell them that. But I'm too afraid. Afraid that if I say too much, they'll disappear too.
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