I could see all around me, everywhere

It was gorgeous here today. A little too windy for my taste, though. Megg and I attempted to go outside and lay out a bit and read etc but it was so freaking windy that it felt so much colder than it was.

But it's days like these that I wish would last. Days where I just laugh and laugh and smile for no reason. It feels like I've barely had any of those in a very long time. I miss them desperately. When I do have these kind of days I just feel so, I don't even know how to describe it. I guess I just feel safe. Because in that moment it's like I don't have any other responsibilities or issues. In those moment I have a friend and a purpose and it's just all good. And I don't mean that in the 'oh 'sall good' type of way. I mean it in everything that happens is truly good; laughter, real conversation, fun. If I could just string together days like these....things might actually be ok.

But I only have a few days left in the semester and although I am looking forward to a summer full of music and sleep and no roommate, I can't help but be nervous about what next year will bring. Yes my one friend will finally be my roommate but my one friend is graduating. My other 2 are going to be in their own apartment on the other side of town/campus. Right now they're 2 doors down the hall. I was in there watching the Bachelor because my roommate is disgusting. And even though I'm sitting in my room while my roommate is still being disgusting, I could go back down the hall to their room if I needed to. What about next year? Will I really see them half as much as we talk about? Will we still go to dinner sometimes, watch movies together, laugh together, talk about anything and everything? I don't want to have to start over like I tried to start over this year. It was a nightmare.

This has been one of the hardest and worst (school) years of my life. Those special days have been too few and far between. I've cried too much and (really) smiled not nearly enough. I've hated myself and felt completely lost.

For right now, though, I'll remember today, hoping that before this semester is over there will be at least one more day like today spent being silly 19 year old college girls.

Someday

We used to talk for hours
Now it's not even one minute
You used to tell me I'm special
I used to believe it
You used to cry with me
You used to make me laugh
But that all went out the window
When you took off down your own path
If I could hold onto one last thing
It woudl be the way you smiled
I wish I could remember what that looked like
But it's been awhile
I miss those eyes that would light up
I miss the friend who would hold my hand
I have to go this life alone
I have to take a stand
The ones you love are always the farthest
And the farthest seems farther away
I will always love you no matter what
Until I find you again someday

Anyway

I can feel you walk through me
Like I was never even there
I must be a ghost
Becuase you're so unaware
Of my tears that trail behind you
I'm trying to hold on
Calling out your name
But you push me away
Suddenly you're deaf
Trying to block out what was left
Painted freshly in your memory
It hurts, can't you see?
Or should I slit my heart
So you can watch it bleed?
It's already cracked
Almost shattered
Not like you'd know
I guess I never mattered anyway