Let go of my pain, to hell with my pride, let it fall like rain from my eyes

So today was an interesting day. I went to the Education Career Fair where several school districts from PA, a few from MD, 1 from NC & SC, and a couple other random ones came to meet with education majors and conduct interviews, etc. First time I've ever done something like that obviously and it hit me once again how I'm tip toeing closer and closer to "real life". The closer I inch, the more I worry.

I'm just going to be blunt because this feeling has been eating away at me all day. Coming away from the Career Fair, I felt like a failure.

People there knew exactly what they wanted, which schools to visit, what to say; were determined to get interviews, even though you don't obviously get hired on the spot. Even the people who went into the fair saying that there wasn't any districts they were particularly interested in seemed to suddenly know exactly what to do and who to visit with and got interviews.

Me? Yes, I had researched 3 districts beforehand, 1 of which I didn't have a chance to go up to because the line was always so long. Spoke with the other 2 districts and handed them my resume. But no, I didn't have an interview. Partly because those 2 districts weren't doing interviews and partly because I didn't go up to one of those MD or PA districts doing interviews because I did not know about their district and felt even more foolish.

I feel like the only one who didn't go to an interview and take advantage of that "experience". Everyone was adamant about how taking any interview would be a good experience and it would better themselves as a future applicant for schools. So now I feel even more behind on life. I feel like my "peers" are going to look down on me or something...that's kind of an awful feeling. You want yourself, your ideas and your work to have merit and be respected. I have felt first hand recently what it's like to be taken for granted and not have that happen.

In this moment I just feel really alone and lost. It was great living here for the last 4 years, but I don't think I could stay here any longer. I don't have anyone or anything really to go home to in NJ. I don't have anyone to move somewhere with, as much as I wish for that. Where am I going to go? What am I going to do?

I wish someone was here right now to sit down with me and talk about any and all of this stuff. Someone to just listen to all of my random ideas and be supportive of them.

I know I need to believe in myself, and while this entry more than likely contradicts that, I do believe in myself. But I can't help but wish that I had someone who believed in me too.