I got the weight lecture once again from my mother. It's just a battle I'm never going to win. I lose weight, and that triggers her obsession over my weight, suddenly so proud of me and fawning in my smaller size and constantly pushing for more. I gain some of that weight back and it pushes the other half of her obsession for me to lose weight in the first place.
All of this? Because of some deficiency or another within myself melded together in my DNA in my conception.
My mother told me if I was smart enough to be on the Dean's List every semester and get a 4.0 this semester, I was smart enough to figure out how to lose weight.
Oh mother, if only you knew. You know why I lost all that weight last year before this past summer? It's because I basically stopped eating. I'm never hungry anymore, but would force myself to eat one "meal" a day. It's not hard to do when you live alone in an apartment building, go to class, or in this semester's case, teaching, and don't have any friends to spend time with.
No one knows about that. No one knows about the crippling fear in my heart over the fact that I may never be able to have children. I honestly don't know definitely or not and I'm absolutely terrified to find out. Not that it would be an "issue" anyway if I never have a boyfriend to become a husband.
I wish someone cared about my feelings and not just viewed them as casual, irrational thoughts.
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2 comments:
Michelle, this made me sooo sad!!! I'm so sorry. :( It still just baffles me how a parent can be so mean and hurtful to their own children and make comments like this. I care about you...I just wish I lived closer so I could actually show that and do something. I have that same fear about not being able to have children too, but I'm not sure if I ever want to find out. Cuz I've had some various menstrual problems and such and it scares me. But like you, I don't know if I'll ever get married. Anyways, I'm sorry you're going through all this crap and if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here.
Michelle,
First off..I love you & you know I'm always here to talk about anything and everything. You're an amazing person & the best friend any one could ever ask for -- don't let anyone tell you otherwise! :)
Holly
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